Why, oh why?

By: Jordan Bunger


There’s been a hell hole of a low to start out with. The last day was horribly terrifying. It shook me back to those years of strangeness. I was fighting with myself. I couldn’t let the negativity go. It hurt me to be thrown back into the thick of it, to return to a lonely side of myself.


I don’t want to return there again. I don’t want it to be so bad again. I never want it again. I need to break on through to make sure it doesn’t. So, this is a challenge to myself, a goal to move forward - to not forget the pain of the last day, the return to the strange. I’m going to take it with me and keep it close by. We’ll work on this and grow stronger. We’ll take the problems, feelings, thoughts, all-up-in-my-head-ness, dirty dipping doubt, and find the lessons in between. We’ll take those and do some dirty work. It won’t be consistent growth or constant entertainment. It’s going to be rough. I’ll study these lessons, apply them and break on through. Then, when I seem over it, it’ll all come back, in a new way. It will show me a hole in the master plan, a flaw I didn’t see before. The strangeness will creep back up and it will hurt bad. All the work I had done will seem to be thrown away. There will be no more confidence in my own abilities. The dirty dipping doubt will arise, strong, decisive, confident, sure of itself as much as I was sure of myself the moment before it crept up.


The seesaw battle between heaven and hell will never stop. While good sleeps, evil plots and plans. The one on top is always envied for their status. When I am feeling my flow so well, I see myself on top of the world. The strangeness seems too far to catch back up with me. I forget it doesn’t sleep while I do. It’s constantly at work to gain an edge any moment I’m riding the breeze. And when I’ve ridden too long, I feel it grip me out of my comfort and drag me out of the way. I fall to the side, retreating to my thoughts. And slowly, it takes over. When I let it control me, I turn distant. I live a life of interaction and contact with an outside world that is completely inside my head. I get too deep down in the muddy dirt, so far from where I should be. I should be kicking it with all of you, holding it down out front, but I take myself out too early and they miss me. I miss me.


What did I say earlier though? The seesaw battle never ends. Now I am the underdog. I am coming out from under, hidden down below too long. The one on top will now be asleep while I fight for my rights back. I am going to return, and I will be stronger than before. I don’t want to stay down low so my next step is to rise. This is where we need to do work. We need to cover up the holes of this recent set back, recover, and learn the lessons it’s trying to teach.


Let’s do it.