Print Media: Now There's a Laugh

I’m afraid, not of the dark, but of the industry I desire getting a job in. One of the companies I recently applied to is set to lay off around 150 employees – Conde Nast publications, at your service. I wonder if they will say, “you just got served” to these people. I hope so. That would be funny, wouldn’t it?

Let’s take a look at all the factors right now that are going to make it nearly impossible for me to get a job within the next couple of months.

Number one: “The Great Recession,” as some people call it, has been doing some serious damage to the job market all the way around. Surely, this is no help. Whenever we are putting the words “great” and “recession” together, expectations should be pretty low – like the stock market.

Why aren’t you laughing?

Number two: The competitive atmosphere of journalism has long been a reality. Some people have fantasies that are all too weird and sexual to describe here. Meanwhile, I have fantasies about being a journalist, with my hat, suit, pad of paper and cigarette bobbing up and down in my mouth, while I ask, “So Mr. President, what’s all of this news about you having an affair with Marilyn Monroe?”

Facts, truth, journalism: When you say it like that, maybe with big, bold capital letters (for added effect), it sounds like a commercial. I love facts, truth and journalism; they are interwoven. The commercial should go, outside of fantasy world, of course: Facts, truth, journalism, WE ADMIRE YOUR STUPID EFFORT THAT SOME PEOPLE MIGHT CALL “TRYING.”

That commercial is annoying.

Number three: Did I mention I like newspapers and magazines? I love picking up both and reading them. Not at the same time of course, then I'd be a genius, and probably in no need of a job. But, I feel smart when I read – and that is always neat. Oh, so in case you haven’t noticed, newspapers and magazines are referred to as print media, and print media is, well, getting stamped out of existence. Aren’t they sending out magazines and newspapers with “FAILING” stamped all over them? Is that tomorrow?

I also love the internet. Yahoo.com: my homepage away from home. I can get sports when I want to feel manly, gossip when I want to feel stupid and news when I’m feeling – hey, wait a second, I get news when I want to feel smart – on the internet. As it turns out, it seems that I also hate the internet, the killer of my beloved print media. Periodico, Periodico, wherefore art thou Periodico?

Well, between numbers one, two and three, it’s going to be a fantastic experience trying to get a job in print media over the next couple of months. I think if I’m in a conversation where someone tells me they want to be a journalist, I’ll just break both of their hands, in 19 places, on the spot. I’ll call it Darwinism.

Or, I’ll continue to write blogs for which I earn no money, hoping that someone finally recognizes how amazing, or as Mary Poppins would say, “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” my writing is.

Ha, fricking, Ha.

-Alex Tandy