The Cheat

I tell you I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. I was angry, I was drunk, I was the old me for the night. I never went there with the intention to hurt him, I didn’t want that. He was off with his friends having a good time and I was off with mine angry and not fully myself. I didn’t see the harm in dancing with him. I thought “it’s not like dancing is doing anything wrong.” As I danced my past flooded into me and mischief and vengeance pulsed my veins. I knew what could happen, I should have walked away, but I didn’t. I kept where I was and kept dancing knowing what he was thinking, knowing what he would do.

He grabbed my face, tilted my head ad came closer as eyes closed and the pas over rode the present. A few seconds and I pulled away with a jerk. What had I don? But there was no need for questioning the act was finished. I left shortly after with my friends had them drop me off at the now betrayed one’s house. He was happy to see me. He embraced me and asked me about my night. I had every intention of telling him, knew I had to but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want the way he looked at me to change. Two nights later I found the courage.

I blurted it out, he turned away. Instantly I felt the distance, the chill that now hovered between us. He looked at me and asked why. I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know why I did it. I was happy with him, safe. With him I laughed and smiled and felt more myself than with anyone else. Maybe that’s why I did it. Maybe he was getting too close, I was caring too much. I didn’t want to do it I tell you. It just happened. He tried to live with what I had done but his eyes no longer held the sparkle of love I once saw nor did his caresses send the same sparks. Our relationships became hollow. Our emotions became guarded and blocked. I don’t blame him for turning away. I am sure I would have done the same. We don’t speak anymore, it’s too painful. We tried once but one slip of the tongue would always bring us back to that night.

We stopped trying to be friends. It was hard seeing him go when all I wanted was for him to stay even if only for a moment. Just for him to once again look at me the way he used to. But he wouldn’t and he won’t. I still think about that night. Wonder why it had to happen. Why I had to resort to my old ways when I was a new me. I guess the past is something that never leaves you, haunts you even when you thought you saw the light. But I did once see it. I heard he is happy now. With someone who doesn’t have a tragic past. Who doesn’t have a past self they cant escape from. Like I said I don’t blame him for leaving. I swear I don’t blame him. I blame me.

--Alyssa Bermudes