IT

A little boy could have it; a woman could embrace it. A team can illustrate it; a town could display it. It will provide a man his masculinity; it will give a nation an identity. But what if It becomes you? What if It infiltrates your mind, your body, your actions, and your thoughts? How will you escape It? How will you prevail against It? Strength? Power? Determination? Perseverance? Will? No. Not in the beginning. From experience: acknowledgment, action, and restoration.
I was a victim of It before, I have now graduated from rehab and am living my life – still with this desire in my flesh – I have to fight against the urge day by day. Fortunately I have learned how to overcome the urge, how to fight against it, how to suppress it. Will I ever be able to remove it? Relinquish it? Efface it? I don’t know; it doesn’t seem like it. But, regardless, I am happy and I choose to be free from its grip.
It had my mind in such a strong embrace; grip rather. I couldn’t’ see past it. This It caused me to cease all communication from my father for an entire year. It was It that caused my husband to be upset and irritated towards me. It was It that caused me to lie and it was It that made me a true Gemini. I was so blinded and I couldn’t see that this parasite was affecting my life.
It’s a beast. It will hunt you. It’s there when you don’t want it to be there. I surely didn’t want it to be there but it won’t go away until you face it; acknowledge it. It is Pride. Night and day, wrapped up in one package.
The first few months I didn’t speak to my father was actually because of what he did to my family and I, but the remaining months was just to prove to myself that I wasn’t going to give in. I wanted to talk to him after a period of time but because of my pride I kept this game of me rejecting his calls for a whole year. When my husband and I would get into arguments the last word was mine to take. It was also difficult for me to express I was sorry because that implied me being wrong, so I withheld his right to be right and our right to have peace. It would make him so upset but I felt as if I had no power over it. Pride was so deeply embedded in me that it overrode what I felt and navigated my actions and reactions. It was also pride that perpetuated this idea of Ms. Goodie Tooshoes and Ms. Perfect with world but deep down I had struggles and I was angry, so angry because I refused to forgive. I didn’t want people to know that so I covered it up with pride, placing myself on a platform. True Gemini, I know. But it wasn’t until I realized that I struggled with this monster called pride, the night of my day. I then confronted It: me. You see, knowledge is power; its rays brighten up the night and reveals truth. Man, if that wasn’t a wake-up call. So then the next step for me was to act on my newly found knowledge and actively pull back on the tugs of pride. Lastly, restoration was due. I forgave my dad in my heart, I stayed true to myself, and I poured out my feelings and revealed my issue to my husband that lead him to understand my behavior and him helping me to regulate that problem.
My lesson was to constantly evaluate myself, especially my motives for doing the things that I do. I now enjoy life without being bound by the ropes of pride.


- Cairesse Grimes