The Epidemic of Hyper-Parenting: When Too Much Good is a Bad Thing

One year, my neighbor decided to postpone their landscaping project and leave the huge hill in their backyard empty and open. By the time spring came along, the hillside had been engulfed in tall, green stalks of grass. Almost as tall as I was, they swayed back and forth with the northern California breeze, gesturing to my 8-year-old self to come play. Together with my sister and my neighbors, we created an entire floor plan out of that grass by smashing parts of it down with our body weight. Suddenly where we lay became rooms—a kitchen, a bedroom, and a TV room—with narrow, grassy tunnels connecting each. We played “house” on that hillside until it became dark and our parents called us in for dinner.

Thinking back on my childhood, it amazes me how many activities and games we concocted to entertain ourselves and to solve our childhood boredom. Nowadays, and even within my own generation, kids are enrolled in so many extra-curricular activities that they are often not given the chance to create and play such games. Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, a child and adolescent psychiatrist practicing in New York City, named this middle-class epidemic “hyper-parenting” in his book, The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap, published in 2001.

Starting at a young age, many children participate in one or two sports, play an instrument, get tutored, learn a foreign language, and attend Girl or Boy Scout meetings on top of just going to school. Dr. Rosenfeld blames this over-activity on the misguided intentions of parents who want to enrich their children’s lives in preparation for their future. In an article from the Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter, Dr. Rosenfeld argues that too many structured activities in a child’s life can leave both the parents and child feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

Growing up in today’s world there is an increased pressure to be “well-rounded.” This is a term that is heard a lot, especially when it comes to applying to colleges, a task that has become increasingly competitive. All this really means to students today is that they need to sign themselves up for as many different activities as their schedule permits. A parent often recognizes that they have a role in this preparation early in the child’s life.

“Parents feel compelled to ‘jump start’ their children to achieve milestones early and to develop skills faster,” writes Dr. Rosenfeld. For example, if a child can master general motor skills early on in gymnastics, maybe she will have a better chance at becoming a star athlete in the future. The same thinking applies to academics.

However, this type of parenting can be detrimental to the child’s personal development. The underlying message children receive from their parent is that they are inadequate without all of these activities. Dr. Rosenfeld attributes this to the increase in “teenage depression, substance abuse, and sexual ‘acting out’.” I feel that it is most important that parents do not forget to provide the thing their child needs most: unconditional love.

It is healthy for a child to have free time to explore themselves and the world around them. It is good for a child to be bored because it allows them to develop creativity and imagination. This is a key part of a child’s development that is often lost when their days are too structured.

Pamela Fulton, 20, admits that she was one of these over-programmed kids. By middle school she was participating in dance, soccer, softball, swimming, choir, orchestra, and Girl Scouts. Her parents encouraged her to participate in a lot of activities to see what she liked. The result was that she continued to participate in a lot. “I was good at everything, but I was never great at any one thing,” she says regretful that she did not focus her extra-curriculars more.

What is truly important to realize is that there is a fine line between too much and too little when it comes to a child’s extra-curricular activities. I cannot help but feel a little sad when I run into young kids today who are busier than I am as a college student. Please just let them relax and play a little! The most important thing to remember is that activities should not take the place of real relationships. Remember, it takes a whole day of down time to build an entire “grass house.”

Laura Woods