Ideals of Gold

If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. As an ambitious freshman just days into the fall semester, I would still be drawn to the familiar smiles and warm welcomes of the ladies in black and gold. I took a chance and won a precious opportunity to write history and build a foundation. I created and upheld strict values of leadership, service, sisterhood and personal excellence; the four points of our beloved kite. I learned the true value and meaning behind the ritual, now lazily murmured and scoffed at as a waste of time and effort. I will always be proud of these letters chosen with love and respect for the values they represent and the history made over a hundred years ago by four brave women tired of being merely mascots for their male counterparts, and yearning for a sisterhood of their own. I remain firm in my stance because I refuse to abandon my promise of loyalty. I will not bow down and allow myself to believe that I don't fit the mold and I do not deserve to wear the letters

K

A

O

Hate me for my personality and the way I look, but do not think that I am phased by rejection. Solitude only makes me stronger and more resolute in my decisions. My broken pride will never allow me to abandon the sisterhood I have grown to love. I may not love you all, but there are sisters far away whom I will love as long as Iive. Sisters who gave me everything that I am refused in this superficial cloud of inflated egos and insecurity. I cling to the memories I once had and I always find beauty in them.

So when you see me weep, know that it is not for you. No, never. My tears do not fall for the wicked, but for the pure of heart. Those that carried me with open arms and lifted my spirits. Those who gave a home to a homeless soul. 

These are the only reasons I am able to continue on and 

smile

wave

chat

and encourage young women to join this sisterhood that has both provided for me and stolen from me so much time and emotional energy.

Ultimately, I made a choice to leave behind the love and security of my former life to pursue my career path and passions here in the City of Angels. I paid a price that has taken a great toll on my mind and heart. Acceptance does not run free and talents are not exalted in this place without a pleasing facade wrapped in the finest, most expensive packaging. 

I felt every glare and heard every whisper. I was never TRULY treated like I belonged.

Recruitment season brings mixed emotions as each girl puts on their finest fronts and I am embraced and raved about to bubbling potential new members. I am impressive in my knowledge and my story is unique. I provide exciting relief from tired conversations and give even more evidence of the "diversity" we represent. I am used as a pawn, and I almost enjoy it. Being liked and having friends for a mere 50 minute mixer, then ignored for the next 10 until a new group of fresh faces appear in the room. 

Riding this high, I push on in hopes that the streak will break, and I will finally fall into a comfortable spot side by side with the others rather than two steps behind. 

"Not everyone can be so selfish. Not everyone can be so cruel." 

I tell myself time and time again.

I'm sure they can, but I always hope they won't.