You and me...we're not so different

By Jordan Bunger

In a return to a forgotten issue that still has yet to be resolved, I bring you an investigative report into the two clashing sides of the same-sex marriage conflict in California. For this report, I was lucky enough to be able to receive interviews with the lovely Father Thomas, of the True Church of Christ, and activist, Janet Garrison, both providing solid perspectives from their own points of view.
Always remember, two perspectives are better than one:

Vote Yes!
Father Thomas
Self proclaimed messenger of the Good Word

I will not stand by and let these…these ruthless sinners be given the opportunity to partake in the sacred act of marriage. The Bible tells me that marriage is reserved for a man and a woman and God knows I am a faithful believer. He gave us the gift of life so that we may reproduce and spread the Good Word unto others. We at the True Church of Christ recently donated $2 Million to the campaign in support of Prop 8. The collection was originally meant to be given to the children’s hospital down the road, but in spite of recent liberal support for same sex marriage, we felt the money should go to a more important cause. I mean seriously people, think about our children and how this will affect their everyday lives. If they are taught in schools that gay marriage is to be accepted, then who knows what will come next. They may start questioning why minorities are treated as inferior or why Father Thomas wanted to play Twister with no clothes on. Do you want to be the one to have to answer these potential questions? I sure as hell don’t. Vote Yes! on Proposition 8 to keep our children safe and further segregate ourselves from the disgusting immorality of the homosexual culture.

Vote No!
Janet Garrison
Hates men and recently swore them off for the foreseeable future

The supporters of Prop 8, if I can put it simply, are Republicans. All they do is tell lies to the American people. Every television, newspaper, and internet advertisement supporting Prop 8 is totally untrue and should be disregarded as Fascist propaganda. I have come to this conclusion because I am positive the vast right wing conspiracy is behind this prospective law. They want to strip us of our basic human rights, excluding us from a sacred ritual that has long been reserved for those with body parts that harmoniously connect with one another. Sure, we homosexual couples may lack a certain reproductive organ that enables childbirth and, yes, we enjoy rear entry and scissoring, but these are merely side notes in the grand scheme of things. We are unsatisfied with just being labeled as ‘domestic partners’ and wish to enter into the loathsome abyss that has come to define marriage in the twenty-first century. Hundreds of thousands of Californian’s are unhappy with their current marital situation and we feel left out of this oh so joyous experience. Voting No! on Prop 8 will give us the false conception that we are no different than heterosexual spouses and enable us to suffer alongside you in a seemingly blissful state of matrimony.