Safety First

An investigative report conducted by Jordan Bunger

“We must cut down the expansive fields of anarchy that appear to run rampant in this institution!” were the first words to leave the mouth of police chief, Officer Cantrell, in his pregame pep talk to the Public Safety crew last Friday night. Many hot topic issues were discussed such as underage drinking, robberies at knifepoint, scare tactics, and most importantly the ever expanding marijuana dilemma. The meeting was set up as an open forum with officers chiming in left and right with what they believed would be the most effective solution to counteract these troubles. Many of the suggestions were very well thought out with one officer proposing his brother, a well known meth dealer on the east side of Lawndale, be given permission to set up shop three times a week on the field above Drollinger Parking Plaza in order to fight the consumption of marijuana on campus. While this seemed a fairly reasonable plan, it received mixed reviews from the rest of the force. A couple more ideas were heard and simultaneously shot down before Cantrell revealed his ingenious anti-cannabis resolution: “When approaching a room spewing the foul odor of cannabis, prepare yourselves for the worst. These potheads, dopers, hippies, and fiends are vicious human beings- known to tear limbs from perfectly innocent virgins, commandeer motorized scooters from the elderly and handicapped, steal change from the vagrant, and even give the finger to school children. Use full force when desired, they will not back down when confronted so why should you? An especially rebellious individual may require a spritz of mace, and if the unwarranted solemn behavior continues, a taze or two to the abdomen should knock him/her into submission for a long enough time to go about your righteous duties. These are extremely useful techniques, but we must always prepare for the dreaded worst case scenario: a stoner who is uncannily apathetic to the previous two methods of enforcing justice. If the individual has a high tolerance for mace in addition to showing merely a slight reaction to the minimum of two tazer shots all the while trying desperately not to miss a waking moment of Space Ghost, then if you feel so inclined, you may unload that .38 Magnum stuffed secretly in the depths of your uniform to his/her outer thigh. 99.9% of the time, this will ensure your safety and the safety of those nearby from the sickeningly apathetic maniac calmly sitting across from you.”