The Truth Board

A Blog by the Editors of
The Truth About the Fact: An International Journal of Literary Nonfiction

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Location: Los Angeles, California, United States

The Truth About the Fact: A Journal of Literary Nonfiction is an international journal committed to the idea that excellence in the art of letters can play a vital role in transforming the planet we share.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Lovely Lovelies

Love crept into my life. It was such a delight, oh such a delight.

I am loved and I love back. I give what I get and give and give back.

I have to be honest, it’s not always this way, many times I’m down, and don’t know what to say.

So hold me tight my dearest child, give me your hand, and your time for a while. I will give you back what you’ve given me, a hug and a kiss, we’ll etch our names on a tree.

I love her. Letting go was the greatest thing we ever did for each other. It’s times like these when you realize how much you love someone. Your mind is freed from any restrictions or limitations. The end will come. There is a sure moment where the relationship that’s been built over the last four months will cease to exist. It sucks and like all else, it’s terrible when you’re going through it.

During that conversation, my heart was pounding out of my chest. It hit me without warning. I love this girl and right there, we were lying next to each other, deciding we wouldn’t continue to stay together when the summer comes, her moving back home to Seattle and me staying here in LA. From my side, I’d wanted this. Three months apart from her would be too hard to handle. I don’t think I could do this. But this was always left in thought. I thought if I admitted that, she would feel betrayed, but she surprised me that night by being the one to initiate it. She was the one who took the step, the big, long one, and in speaking for herself, spoke for us both. She’s the realist in thought and action. I’m the realist in thought, and bitter optimist in action. I do it because I like thinking it’s all going to work out, that it’s all going to be daisies and sunshine all the time. It makes me feel good for the temporary. She’s teaching me to be upfront and honest especially in times like these where so much is on the line.

This girl has taught me so much about myself. I’ve never been in a relationship where the stakes were so high. I care so much about her that I feel pressured all the time to hold onto anything we have. When something is lost, I scramble to go out and find it many times to no success.

The last three weeks have been awkward between us. I’ve felt distant from her. Our school and work schedules keep us both busy enough to only get 2 nights a week with each other and maybe a quick lunch here and there. And I’ve been constantly questioning her love for me in the face of this distance. I haven’t been able to allow myself to trust her in her words, I love you. But instead of letting this eat away at me, I’ve asked those around me for help, my parents, counselor, roommates, classmates, really anyone who’s had any experience in this area. And the results have been amazing. I’ve made huge strides in how I look at our relationship and it came just in time for our talk on Thursday night. I did my homework. Love without expecting any love in return. I have a whole life to live outside of this relationship. I cannot depend on another person for my happiness because when they are gone, I’m left all alone. I have to find happiness in me. Let go of the mind for a little while. Release yourself. It will be all right.

I took it so well because I built myself up before we decided to end it. I listened to the advice from those I trust and I worked on myself before all else. I unwittingly prepared myself mentally for taking such a hard blow to the biggest part of my life. This girl means the so much to me and not having her by my side is scary to think about. But I will ramble on. We’ll live our own lives for a while, get snug there, and see what happens. Nothing is certain and I think I can finally feel comfortable with that.

I’m lucky I was able to spend the time with her that I did and to have been able to receive her love and love her back. No matter what happens, I will always have that to hold onto.


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