Bottled Up & Held Tight

Is it better to hurt than to be hurt?

Or to care too much than to care too little?

Should she succumb to her lover’s unapologetic embrace?

Or would pulling away to regain her composure be a sign of emotional weakness?

She laid on the far right side of their queen size mattress,

Her legs curled up underneath the sheets as her feet rubbed together for warmth.

She longed for him to hold her in between his arms,

She needed the comfort and the warmth.

But was that comfort being sought in the wrong place?

Would the acceptance of his embrace let him know she was over it?

Over the fighting.

The immature mind games he played

And the way he ignored her until he was ready.

Ready to what?

Ready to be his charming, lovey-dovey go lucky self again.

Ready to talk to her as if nothing happened.

This was the unforgiving routine.

When he was over it so should she.

But it ate her up inside.

It irked her. 

Regardless of the reasons they fought or how upset she was,

She still wanted him to physically love her.

She wanted him to give in to her.

To caress her.

But why?

She was strong

Or so people always told her.

Independent

And maybe too independent for this man.

But aside from her strength and independence she grew unnervingly vulnerable in relationships.

Lovers somehow dictated her feelings.

To an extent,

She freely allowed them.

They could make her the happiest girl

And the saddest girl with the flip of a switch

A switch she ultimately has control over,

But doesn’t know how to operate.

How did she learn to be this way?

Was it learned or a product of her doing?

She often thought she needed counseling.

Relationship counseling,

For her role in the relationship.

She implanted the seed into her mind that she was doing something wrong.

No matter how many times he told her the way she felt was natural.

She sensed an unnatural whirlwind of feelings churning away inside her.

Feelings that chained her from moving past things.

Reoccurring thoughts arose from reoccurring feelings.

She wanted to clear her mind

And watch the seed she implanted blossom into a flower with secure petals.

A flower that signified her growth.

She longed for the day when things wouldn’t bother her.

All she wanted was his safe embrace,

To pull her in and hold her tight,

Like a security blanket that would follow her childlike soul wherever he may go. 

-Andrea