My Complaint with Complaints

My boyfriend recently stumbled upon a little book aptly titled Spiritual Diary. For each day of the year, it offers a quote of religious or spiritual advice. He read one of them to me a few days ago and it has really stuck with me since. In the words of the great Yogi, Paramahansa Yogananda, “Many people excuse their own faults but judge others harshly. We should reverse this attitude by excusing others’ shortcomings and by harshly examining our own.” It got me thinking about what kind of world it would be without all the criticisms, gossip, or third-partying that must occur in thousands of peoples’ daily conversations. I am unsure of whether the term “third-partying” is well known or not. I am assuming no because Google only returned politically related groups and late-night club events. But third partying is a term my dad has always used to refer to talking about someone behind their back. Ask yourself when the last time was that you looked at another person’s personality or decisions and pointed out what they were doing wrong? A month ago? A week ago? Last night?

It varies for everyone but odds are that it was not too long ago. For myself, I remember one instance in which I decided to confront my roommate, whom I was not quite getting along with. I decided to do so after realizing how much I was complaining about her to my other friends. It hardly mattered to whom I blabbed to, but I felt such an extreme sense of relieve to complain to others that I got sucked into the habit. I knew it was wrong and so I hoped that if I brought up my troubles with her, she would be eager to change her ways—this sounds selfish and naïve to me now. Well, being the honest person I am, I told her all of what I was thinking. She must not have heard anything past the “I was complaining about you behind your back” part because our friendship and roommate-ship quickly dwindled after that conversation.

From this experience, I have certainly learned a few lessons on the right and wrong ways of addressing your grievances with someone. But I cannot help but think that I probably exacerbated the issue with all of my criticism and complaining.

A few months ago my mom discovered a certain self-help book called, A Complaint Free World. The author, Will Bowen, a Kansas City minister, came up with the idea of making the world into a “complaint-free zone.” His theory is based on the simple idea that good things will come to you if you “leave your grumbling behind.” He presented the challenge of going twenty-one days without complaining first to his congregation, and then to the millions of people that have since bought his book. To keep an eye on your own griping and groaning you can go to his website and buy a rubber bracelet to switch from wrist to wrist whenever you catch yourself complaining (what a great marketing scheme, right?) Did I mention Bowen spent many years in sales and marketing before joining the church?

Whatever his qualifications are, you have to admit that it is a noble and righteous proposition—one to which many people have already responded to. Some of his readers have claimed that this challenge has cured chronic pain, healed relationships, and created happiness where it was missing before. If only we could all use our skills to create good for others.

The main thing about complaining is that it starts to make you think that you are right and that you know better than others. Logically, this just is not true. Maybe if I could have stopped focusing on the shortcomings of my roommate, our friendship might not have ended. A great lesson to learn, and something I strive to work for, is to have compassion for others. By this I mean to recognize that all people are human beings struggling with the ups and downs of life—just like you are. Bowen urged his followers to work to break the habit of complaining—it is certainly something to think about.

Laura Woods