A Kinda Happy Ending

All girls grow up reading about Cinderella and dreaming about Prince Charming. Who better to take the place of this imagined Prince than a best friend? We encouter this "friends becoming lovers" scenario in the lyrics of Taylor Swift songs and in countless romantic comedies. When you build that friendship and trust, spend a lot of time with someone and have so much in common, you are inevitably going to fall for them. There is something fairy tale romantic about two best friends in love... Right?

To give my advice on this situation I'll have to go ahead and do something I hate doing: share something personal.Throughout my college experience I have connected with very people on a deep level; but there is one guy who broke past all of my "walls" and became an integral part of my life. It began like most of my other relationships; I kept him an arm's length away and left all emotions on a surface level. We spent so much time together that everyone assumed something was going on between us. If I had a nickel for everytime someone asked if we were dating... well I would only have enough for a tall Starbucks plain coffee, but either way it was clear to everyone around us we had a connection. However, this connection was something neither of us every considered to be more than a friendship.

I have had a few defining moments in my life, and one of them was with this friend. I can pinpoint the moment things changed between us. It was almost midnight the week before finals and I had just spent the last five hours keeping the three kids I nanny away from their alcoholic father while their Mom called the police. It broke my heart to answer the "why doesn't he love me enough to stop drinking" question. After dropping them off at home I broke down. The first person I called was him. As he was holding my hand and watching me cry, I had never felt more comfortable with anyone. I finally saw our relationship as everyone else did; what we had transcended the normal friendship.

Fast forward two weeks; we had both gone our seperate ways for winter break. I found myself missing his presence. Over the course of the month we talked every day and oddly enough proved the adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

The first time we kissed it wasn't awkward and it was far from disappointing. It was like an epihphany; why hadn't we always been doing this? However my newly found happy ending wasn't the ending.

The best thing about dating your best friend is how comfortable you are with each other. The worst thing about dating your best friend is how comfortable you are with each other. He knew me; he knew how scared I was to get close to someone. He knew when I was pushing him away and he wasn't afraid to call me out. I have this insane inability to communicate and this insane phobia of commitment.

Communication is one of the first things we really learn in life. But as we grow older, as we learn what our words mean and as we really start talking it becomes more difficult to say what we really mean and ask for what we really need. Commitments are complicated; a true commitment takes effort, sacrifice and a willingness to be vulnerable. I still can't articulate how I feel and vulnerability is something I don't do well.

So where did this leave us? My fears and insecurities left us attempting to salvage a friendship despite the newly found undertone of disappointment. Sadly the fairytale is irresponsible and quite frankly imaginary. Not every guy is a prince and not every girl ends up kissing their soul mate with a sunset backdrop. Real life and real relationships are a lot more complicated. The heartfelt kiss against the sunset is only the beginning of a real relationship. Sometimes relationships don't have a happy ending; sometimes they simply end.

As for my advice, if you find yourself with an inkling to kiss your best friend, I think it's better to keep those feelings locked in the dark. It's better to stay in the dark. In the dark there in an unknown: in the dark there is fear, but in the dark there is also hope.

-Alex Mead