In Praise of Biddies

I love biddies. And I don’t discriminate. I love small biddies, tall biddies, feathered biddies, biddies named heather, nose-haired biddies, biddies with nose rings, behaved biddies, depraved biddies, biddies with walkers, biddies who are talkers, roasted biddies, toasted biddies, biddies with mashed taters, biddies who are skaters, fried biddies, brown-eyed biddies, biddies with beaks, biddies who are grade-A geeks…and that’s just enough to get my fingers warmed up for this entry.  

 

Confused? Well, you’re not the only one. Who’s to blame for this? We’ll call her Mama M, or M&M for short. She stalks these blogs waiting for easy prey. Last week, I was the unfortunate bowlegged gazelle ripped to shreds by this merciless predator.  So who is this mysterious rogue, this covert biddie basher purposefully misapprehending my words and making me look a fool? I can’t be entirely sure of her identity, but she left this message…

 

Ian,


 

Sorry . . . were you trying to pick up poultry or old ladies? Tee hee!


 

bid·dy 1 (bĭd'ē) 


n. pl. bid·dies

A hen; a fowl.


 

[Origin unknown.]

 

bid·dy 2 (bĭd'ē) 


n. pl. bid·dies Slang


A woman, especially a garrulous old one.

 

[Nickname for Bridget]

 

“Tee hee”…my god! Has this villain no heart?! For some perspective, here is the line that apparently warranted the above tear-inducing ridicule:

 

“My peacocky displays of male bravado—street hockey at recess, pull-ups at gym class—were not directed at intimidating the guys, but attracting the biddies.”

 

Now based on context clues, I can totally understand why M&M would mistake my reference to a young, attractive biddie girl for an old lady, or better yet, a CHICKEN! As is common knowledge, young boys often hit on fussy elderly female biddies and chicken biddies at RECESS! Shame on me for not being clear as to which biddie type I was referring to.

 

Notwithstanding the piercing humiliation I’ve been feeling for the past week, I appreciate M&M’s appeal for clarification because it has deepened my biddie love. Here I was all this time thinking that “biddie” was a term used exclusively to denote a young single girl. How small-minded of me! I now know that two more creatures, one feathered and another weathered, take refuge under the same biddie umbrella that shelters those I originally had in mind. Consequently, my love for biddies has increased threefold.

 

Lets start with chicken biddies. For me, there’s nothing like cart-cruising alongside the poultry section and seeing a solid serving of packaged biddie on sale for $2.99 /lb. I especially love chicken biddies that are hormone and antibiotic free because I’m not trying to have any genetically mutated biddie botching up my body. I wouldn’t want to scare away the girly biddies with a tail or a sixth toe.

 

And don’t even get me started on my love for them ol’ lady biddies. Lets just say that the only thing in this world that I love more than a woman is a garrulous old one who embraces her biddie status with gusto and pizzazz.

 

But all kidding aside, this post is simply a shout-out to our biggest supporter and fan. Even though she harasses me for my word choice, her enthusiasm for our blog more than makes up for it. M&M is one amazing biddie whom I know only indirectly through her daughter, but one that I somehow feel strangely well acquainted with. By definition, she’s a stranger, but in my book, she’s an amigo.

 

M&M faces each day, even the not so fun ones, with smiles and good humor. That’s why she just won her very own biddie definition (*Price is Right Showcase Showdown “A Brand New CAR!” voice*)!

 

So here’s my M&M-specific biddie defintion in acronymic form, a throwback to my preschool days.           

           

Brave

Ironic

Dorky

Devoted

Inspiring

Elfish (sorry, it was getting a bit sentimental and I’m no good with the letter “e”)

 

We love you M&M and wish you a speedy recovery!

 

Oh and don’t worry about those squats. Relax for now. You’ll be doing them sooner than you think. Because you may not be quite as strong as an ox, but you ARE as strong as a biddie, and that’s saying something!

 

Ian M. Johnson